Urge – Making friends with a wild animal

30 Mar

Being depressed is not the worst thing ever. I think I could go with that. It’s the urge that is taken me down, again and again. The urge to starve, the urge to purge. Even the urge to hurt myself, although I haven’t done it in years. The urge to throw in some pills … anything that would make me… numb. It’s not even about feeling happy, it’s becoming numb.

That urge is unpredictable like a wild animal. It is coming and going, never at the time I expect it. So each time I stand there, unprepared, naked. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can’t.

Will this urge ever go away?

In the earlier times of my addiction, I thought, well, there will be a point when it’s easier. A point where it’s not gonna be hard for me to quit anymore, it’s just gonna happen. Maybe something in my life happens and that will make me quit. It could be family, friends, my job… whatever. There will be a point where it’s easier than NOW. So I will just make myself comfortable in misery and wait for that glorious moment.

Now, I have to admit I came to a point. But this was quite different than what I always had expected. I realized, this is just not gonna happen. That moment that changes everything and makes it all easy won’t come. It just won’t happen. The urge won’t disappear. I can’t wait for something like that.

Because the only moment I have is now. If I don’t wanna quit now, I will never quit. There is no tomorrow or in two weeks.

So I really want to quit now. Still, it’s everything but easy. The urge is still there. I’m falling down, standing up, falling down… why? Didn’t I want to stop it all? I thought I made a decision. There is the urge… and yes, sometimes it is stronger than I am. I can’t control it, I just can’t. But it feels good to admit that. Maybe because now it’s not so much my fault anymore. I know I will fall but I also know that I can keep on going afterwards.

For a long time, my big question was “Will the urge ever go away?” Honestly, I don’t think so. It will lose some of it’s power though. And it won’t determine my life anymore. Every addict will have to deal with his urges for a very long time, even if he is not giving in for years, the urge still remembers every single second of being high. But we can learn how to live with it. It’s a challenge, a big one. But… the bigger the challenge, the better the feeling of overcoming it. I don’t know whether the urge will disappear one day. Maybe yes, maybe not. Thinking about it does not even upset me anymore. I can accept it. It’s some kind of surrender: Once you accept the fact that it might not go away, you start to feel okay with it, because you know you have the power to overcome all that. If we would not have the power, we wouldn’t be here. It’s this little spark of trust that makes all the difference.


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