Beginnings… the beauty of starting over

2 Apr

“There lies some magic in every beginning that protects us and helps us to live.”         Herman Hesse, Stufen

(german original: “Und jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne, der uns beschuetzt und der uns hilft, zu leben.”)

I figured out that the only possibility to stand this is starting over each day. There are  lots of beginnings for me. Maybe I’m just a little ignorant of the magic that lies within those beginnings.

Anorectics and Bulimics may seek to become thinner and smaller, but they certainly love big words like “forever” or “never again” and “from now on” or “once I am …”. Not only are we losing weight, above all we are losing the moment thinking about tomorrow. Getting worked up about what we’ve been eating. What was my last meal, what’s gonna be my next meal? And when? I don’t wanna purge anymore. Never again.

Okay. Cut words like “forever” and “never” out of your vocabulary. It won’t work. Whether it’s purging, starving, self-injury, drinking or any other kind of self destructive behavior or addiction. Sooner or later, after hitting the bottom or a final break down, most people come to the point where they really want to quit. But things aren’t that easy anymore. Maybe it will never be easy again. There is no withdrawal  without relapses. You repeat “never again, never again, never again” like a mantra. This way, you are giving your addiction and your urges all the attention. Just what they’ve been asking for. Your subconscious does not hear “purging: never again”, it just hears “purging”, cutting out the negative. And there you go.

Anyway, forever is a pretty long time and being sober from now on, forever, is utopian. It’s better not to trick oneself into believing that it is possible. This is no pessimism, it’s being realistic. Be prepared. Don’t blame yourself.

After relapsing, I used to get pretty angry, totally being focused on the failure, just looking back. But it happened, nobody can change it anymore. There is two possibilities now. I can get worked up about it, thinking it over again and again, telling myself what an idiot I am… or I just keep on. New day, new chance. I might have been relapsing yesterday. But what has that to do with today? This is not about yesterday, neither about tomorrow. It’s about my life. And the only moment my life can take place is now. THIS is the only moment I have.

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One Response to “Beginnings… the beauty of starting over”

  1. hereisyourletter April 2, 2010 at 5:09 pm #

    wow. This is such a good post. I always focus on the failures…

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