But you have to understand…!

7 May

Let me try to explain this. You need to understand. Or rather… I want you to understand! It’s not pure insanity and you have to listen to me now!

This whole mess is something weird. It’s chaos and seems to be pretty crazy. But sometimes, at some point, often right after treatment or therapy, or when looking back after a long time, things start to make sense, at least in some way. There is something you can grasp. A reason for all this, it might be tiny, but yes, there it is. You’ve got an answer to the big question “Why?” that has been pressing on your shoulders for so long.

And now… now I want you to understand. Suddenly, there is this urge to go out there and explain it to all those people who have just been shaking their heads when they looked at you. Now the world has to understand me!

Okay, let’s start with our friends… at least they have to understand. So you tell them everything you know. Explain all your craziness. And eventually, you hear those magic words: “Yeah, I understand.”

Wait. Stop. Did I just hear this? They u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d? Hm. You want to tell me you know what it’s like? Hm. NO! You don’t understand anything!

I doubt that anyone who has never experienced addiction can truly understand what it’s like and why you were doing it. And honestly, no one can blame them. How should they know? They have not gone through hell… or maybe they have, but it’s not the  same one. Again, nobody who has never experienced it himself can really understand what it means to be addicted. That’s just the way it is.

And… it’s okay. You don’t need anyone to understand. Often we don’t understand  the whole story ourselves. When I came out of treatment, I had some glorious ideas why I was doing all this and I wanteed everyone to understand. But truth be told… I didn’t know anything. I wanted people to understand what I didn’t get myself.             By now, I’ve noticed…. it’s ok. It’s okay for my friends not to understand me. It’s ok that they don’t know what it’s like. (Actually, it’s even a good thing. I really don’t want my friends to have to go through this). And I don’t want anyone to pretend  they understand when they don’t. So my friends don’t understand. It’s still crazy to them. But they can accept it. And those who are real friends can accept me with all this craziness and non-sense. Honestly, that’s worth more than all the understanding in the world!

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2 Responses to “But you have to understand…!”

  1. Lizzy May 7, 2010 at 7:40 pm #

    If I had a dime each time I heard someone say, “I understand”, I’d be a very wealthy woman. No one truely understands until they have walked in our shoes. Most of my friends are so wrapped up in their so called perfect worlds and never noticed just how close I, and other sufferers, have come to self destruction. Yet they say, “I understand.” No, you don’t. You never will. I just want to say to them, “Spare me the indignation of your ‘pre-packaged’ pity.”

    Sorry — this just kind of brought up some issues…

  2. glorifiedexcuse August 16, 2010 at 9:14 pm #

    I also came to this realization … thus reading this was another reflection of myself. … There was a time were I persecuted people around me because they didn’t understand and were killing me with their ignorance …. but now, at the dark place I have reached? I know that I would not wish this knowledge upon my worst enemy.
    Therefore , yes, I accept their ignorance, I envy it, and I am thankful for every day that they accept me.

    you shine. keep going

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