What’s it all about? – The big “why” when talking about Eating Disorders

16 Jun

It’s the media. Weight Watchers. Wrong friends. Deceiving TV shows. A sick mind. A bad childhood.

Don’t say the “W-word” anymore. Spare me this one question. I’ve heard it so many times, painful conversations that ended in tears. Above are just some of the answers you frequently hear. Either giving by so called “experts” or even sufferers themselves. The totally comprehensible reason for their Eating Disorder, freeing us of any responsibility. It’s not my fault, they started sending these TV shows without asking me.

I knew about these reasons, about the things everyone says and everyone knows about Eating Disorders. But early on I also knew, that this was a big lie. It wasn’t true for me. There were problems in my family, yes. But other kids also had trouble without being anorexic. I’ve seen the skinny models but that was not the real cause. I asked myself “Why? Why do you do this to yourself? What’s all this about?” I didn’t know the answer. Just another failure. It only made me more desperate.

It wasn’t long until my parents started to torture me with the “W-question”. – “But there must be a reason for this! Tell us! Why do you do this to yourself, why do you do this to us? Is it our fault? You can’t do this just for fun!” Desperation on their side, too. Honestly, I would have loved to give them an answer. But I didn’t know. I really didn’t know and they didn’t believe me. Soon they started adding possible reasons to their question. “But Why? It must be because your friends talked you into it.” They did not. But I learned that it was much easier to agree with them in order to give them some peace.

Once my parents were done, therapists and psychologists would ask the same question. With the same resulsts.

However. I really didn’t know the answer. All I knew, all that was real for me was that big emptiness, the pain inside of me. Pain that did not make sense but that was there anyway. Pain that didn’t ask for a reason.

I was smashed, hit the bottom, torn to pieces. But I learned that I have the strength to put the pieces together once again. It took me a long time to figure out what all this is about. That the standard answers are not right for me. That there is my behind my eating disorder and if I want to recover, I have to look at those sites. I have to go into the darkness.

Here are some points that I found to be very true for me:

Wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Never being in the present moment. Never feeling comfortable in the present moment. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Not accepting the inevitable. Refusing to love because of being afraid to lose. Wanting life to be different from what it is. It’s dying before you die. I was unaware of the love that holds everything together from the inside. That gives purpose.

One of the most beautiful things life is teaching me these days is: In order to be love, you have to go out and give love first. That’s the secret. That’s what it’s all about.

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3 Responses to “What’s it all about? – The big “why” when talking about Eating Disorders”

  1. Lizzy June 16, 2010 at 4:27 am #

    You have touched my heart with this article. I, too, have been, and to some extent still am, stuck with these questions not only from within myself, but as you mentioned, from other people. And you are so right, there are no real anwers that can be given. So many people have asked me, “Why? Why are you doing this?” I’ve heard that asked of other ED patients. It is the most uneducated question anyone can ask – albeit out of ignorance. And though, like so many people who have asked, I would ask myself why. I have been blessed with a treatment team that I love with all my heart. NOT once did any of them ever ask, “Why?” And now, neither do I. I just know that it happened and I know what I had to do to work through it. Because asking why is the same as looking back when we must concentrate on going forward.

    I would seriously consider publishing this article. As short as it is it speaks volumes susinctly.

    May God bless you in your fight to recover.

  2. devigoesusa June 17, 2010 at 2:25 pm #

    Thank you so much. I love your feedback. I’m really glad that you like my writing. I wrote this little piece in the middle of the night and it took no longer than 15 min. But it just came to me, words were flowing. Maybe I will revise it and look for an opportunity to publish it… thank you.

  3. glorifiedexcuse August 16, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    Hi there.

    I just wanted to say that I relate to everything that you write like you are an echo of myself.
    If you ever get the chance , Please read through the pieces I have posted on my page – I think you will find some reflections of your own here.

    Keep writing, Keep fighting, and I will too.

    x ( my blog, http://glorifiedexcuse.wordpress.com/page/3/)

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