Change, choice, principles

12 Nov

This feeling that I know just too well. The empty, dumb, hot head. Little pain in my stomach. The eyes still warm from crying. Despair and apathy at the same time. No reproaches, not anymore, it’s been too long for that.

There’s a voice in my head, telling me “Look, here you are again! Same spot! Same place! We will always meet again. You can’t just say good bye! You can’t!” And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that little voice might be right. For now, not knowing what will be is the best thing I can get. Uncertainty means there’s still a chance.

They say there are three constants in life. Change, choice and principles. I feel like the eating disorder has become another constant. The ED does definitelly not mean chance, it’s stagnation. It’s no choice, not anymore. It hasn’t been a choice for a long time, if it ever was one. Maybe it turned into one of the principles of my life? Lately, a friend told me “You’re living by principles! Life could be much better if you didn’t have so many principles…” I denied, of course, I’m not living by principles! I’m such a flexible and spontaneous person! But this makes me think.

ED as one of my old principles? That means, I need another constant in life. Change.

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