Hope dies last.

3 Oct

Hope does last.

It is not that bad. No, actually, I can’t complain. It’s been worse. The pain has been stronger. It could be worse right now. It could hurt much more, as it did in the past. it has been darker, lonelier.

I did hit rock button, but that’s over.

Now I am only falling down. Imagining, it could be worse. Be worse. Worse. Than I stand up again. This sentence is strengthening.

I tell myself: It is worth it. Soon the sentence turns into a question but I don’t want to listen anymore.

There’s my conclusion so far. Fate doesn’t spare anyone, there are always bumps in the road.

Hope dies last. Faith dies first.

Life goes on. It might be worth it. Im not sure though. Hope dies last.

Time

22 May

How much time did I already squander for my eating disorder? How many time did you spend engaging in those behaviors, planing meals, purging, dieting?

Have you ever thought about that? Yesterday, a friend and I had a discussion about wasting time… My friend said, that he was mad at himself for all the time he wasted playing computer games. So unproductive. I told him, at least you enjoyed yourself. At least you had fun. So you didn’t really waste your time!

I told him, how I had wasted my time. How much time a eating disorder takes up. More than any computer game. And you never reach the last level and win. There is no happy end. You never kill the enemy. You can only kill yourself. That’s the end, that’s what comes at the end of the way, if you want to it to the end.

I didn’t enjoy myself when purging, when starving myself. I made myself suffer. And if I imagine I had read a good book each time instead of engaging in my eating disorder… I would have read through entire libraries.

Or if I had done something for college or school … I would have had the best grades ever.

Fact is, I did not do all these things.

But you can’t change the past. You can only ruin the present my worrying about it…

Time is what we always want most, but we use it very badly. What is time? What is a day?
Ask the dictionary…

Day, n.  A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent
Ambrose Bierce

Wiliam Ernest Henley – Invictus

22 May

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Nevermore

3 Apr

Quoth the ED… Nevermore.

 

It’s a deception, a beautiful lie. Beautiful, but still, it’s a lie. A weighty one. Nevermore: Relapse. Nevermore: Self injury. Nevermore: Purging.

The recipe for failure. It shouldn’t be that difficult. It is this difficult. It is war. Resign, give up all hope, and you will go down. Running doesn’t help, you’re never fast enough. Never. Nevermore.

Could you win this war? If you dare to fight. If you fight on the right side. And if you stand up again and  again. Hitting rock button without breaking. It’s possible. You have to find out for yourself. For your Self.

Nevermore. Don’t trust the nevermore.

It’s possible.

December

17 Dec

is it possible that december is the perfect time for relapsing?

Everyone is having a good time. People are happy. People are eating a lot and don’t even think about it.

Except for us. We go crazy. Being depressed and everything. Plus it’s dark and cold. It really doesn’t help.

I used to love the time around Christmas so much. But I just noticed, that during the last few years, I’ve always had one of my worst times of the year in december. Beautiful and terrible time.

Passion

1 Dec

Big things make you lonely.  

And I’m not even talking about the body. I’ve never been really big, though I’ve been afraid to become big all my life. No. There are other aspects in life.

Big pain that no one else understands.

Sadness.

Craziness.

Anything which is out of order. Any passion. Any untamed passion.

So you’re standing there and feeling lonely. Feeling like you’re the only one. And it may be true or not. It doesn’t matter. Some people say we don’t truly start to live until we have our backs against the wall. Passions can be like elevators between heaven and hell. How often have I asked for a way out… I think there is no way. No path I can go. I have to find my own way. A new paths. And I might leave a new trail.

Maybe.

Change, choice, principles

12 Nov

This feeling that I know just too well. The empty, dumb, hot head. Little pain in my stomach. The eyes still warm from crying. Despair and apathy at the same time. No reproaches, not anymore, it’s been too long for that.

There’s a voice in my head, telling me “Look, here you are again! Same spot! Same place! We will always meet again. You can’t just say good bye! You can’t!” And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that little voice might be right. For now, not knowing what will be is the best thing I can get. Uncertainty means there’s still a chance.

They say there are three constants in life. Change, choice and principles. I feel like the eating disorder has become another constant. The ED does definitelly not mean chance, it’s stagnation. It’s no choice, not anymore. It hasn’t been a choice for a long time, if it ever was one. Maybe it turned into one of the principles of my life? Lately, a friend told me “You’re living by principles! Life could be much better if you didn’t have so many principles…” I denied, of course, I’m not living by principles! I’m such a flexible and spontaneous person! But this makes me think.

ED as one of my old principles? That means, I need another constant in life. Change.