Tag Archives: addicted

Mono Inc. – Symphony of Pain

21 Aug

This song is  not exactly about eating disorders, but still, I associate it with that time.

Isn’t it true that you give to your ED whatever it wants? Drowning in her sea of sweet demand? Whatever you may need, I’ll give to you?
Dancing down on danger lane… that’s the way it always felt. It’s a dangerous dance. Whistling the symphony of pain? Yeah, I did. So many times…

And isn’t it a dark romance? My ED and I? Me and Mia? Me and Ana? Close this dark romance…

I know I’ve been lying in bed listening to this song over and over again… every line describes the way I felt. This song is not meant to be about eating disorders. For me it’s all about ED though.

Rising high and falling deep
reduce me to despair
drowning in your sea of sweet demand
feed me when I beg for more
bale is in the air
blink at me and I’m at your command

Whatever you may say
whatever you may do
whatever you may need
I’ll give it to you

There’s blood red rain
coming down on your bed tonight
blood red rain’s on your face
close this dark romance
as we dance down on danger lane
whistling the symphony of pain

Shadows on the bedroom wall
divert me from the truth
no way back
tar and feather me
discard the alarm device
sprinkle me with youth
close my eyes there’s no more need to see

Whatever you desire
whatever you may claim
whatever you may take
I’ll take the same

There’s blood red rain
coming down on your bed tonight
blood red rain’s on your face
close this dark romance
as we dance down on danger lane
whistling the symphony of pain


Songs about Ana & Mia

23 Jul

I decided to make a  new category – songs about eating disorders. About anorexia and bulimia. About addiction in general. Everything that fits the big picture.

Music has always been important to me – especially the lyrics! I always asked everyone to listen to the lyrics… and usually, nobody will actually listen to them…

That’s fine with me. Most lyrics or not worth listening to anyway… but there are those special ones I really love.
I will share those songs with you.

Songs about ana and mia.

I will choose songs that move me personally. I hope you will love as much as I do! I’ll give you the lyrics and maybe a youtube video… listen, read and enjoy. Mind the lyrics…

I might also choose some German songs (I grew up bilingual…) and translate them for you. I hope you will like them as much as I do.

Here a list of the songs (will be updated each time I post a new one)

  1. Ted Leo – Me and Mia 
  2. Mono Inc. – Symphony of Pain

The dark side of love

10 Jun

I have a friend in New York. It’s a guy, I got to know him by chance, hanging around union square. He called himself a hipster. I was new in the city. Actually, I haven’t even been in the US for such a long time. So I was just walking around and enjoying this vibe, this very special energy in NY (oh my gosh, I really do miss that!).

My feet were tired, I sat down at Union Square, right across from Whole Foods (gees… I do miss that, too!)
He started talking to me, in the end we talked the whole night and it was the beginning of a good friendship.

Once we talked about love. He said that being in love with someone is like being addicted to that person.
I almost got angry and worked up on that! Being addicted was something so terrible for me. (He knew about my story) Being addicted means being addicted to hunger, being addicted to eating and purging, being addicted to cutting. And that was terrible! Yes, there was a time when I really needed those things. But at the same time I hated all that! Maybe not at the very beginning, but once you notice the severe and negativ impact (I guess I don’t have to talk about that right know) it has on you, you will begin to hate it. So I told him that what he said is not true and to stop saying that.

But I started to think about it. Maybe I also loved… let’s say… being hungry? Even cutting? It is hard to admit, but it might be true, after all. But I didn’t love it the way I love my boyfriend. I loved and hated it at the same time! The more I loved, the more I needed it, the more I hated it! It was crazy. It was a love-hate relationship. (Actually, some really bad relationships also might work that way, but that’s not the point I want to make.)

But what to make of that insight? Today I think… one little steep out of that vicious circle is to reduce your love and your hate for those harmful things at the same time. Little by little. Cause the pendulum swings back and forth. If you reduce the hate, you won’t hate yourself that much each time you relapse. You reduce the love, and you won’t feel the urge that often anymore…

It’s a process.

And it takes time.

And love. But not for the harmful things you used to do.


Love yourself instead.

Hope dies last.

3 Oct

Hope does last.

It is not that bad. No, actually, I can’t complain. It’s been worse. The pain has been stronger. It could be worse right now. It could hurt much more, as it did in the past. it has been darker, lonelier.

I did hit rock button, but that’s over.

Now I am only falling down. Imagining, it could be worse. Be worse. Worse. Than I stand up again. This sentence is strengthening.

I tell myself: It is worth it. Soon the sentence turns into a question but I don’t want to listen anymore.

There’s my conclusion so far. Fate doesn’t spare anyone, there are always bumps in the road.

Hope dies last. Faith dies first.

Life goes on. It might be worth it. Im not sure though. Hope dies last.


3 Apr

Quoth the ED… Nevermore.


It’s a deception, a beautiful lie. Beautiful, but still, it’s a lie. A weighty one. Nevermore: Relapse. Nevermore: Self injury. Nevermore: Purging.

The recipe for failure. It shouldn’t be that difficult. It is this difficult. It is war. Resign, give up all hope, and you will go down. Running doesn’t help, you’re never fast enough. Never. Nevermore.

Could you win this war? If you dare to fight. If you fight on the right side. And if you stand up again and  again. Hitting rock button without breaking. It’s possible. You have to find out for yourself. For your Self.

Nevermore. Don’t trust the nevermore.

It’s possible.


17 Dec

is it possible that december is the perfect time for relapsing?

Everyone is having a good time. People are happy. People are eating a lot and don’t even think about it.

Except for us. We go crazy. Being depressed and everything. Plus it’s dark and cold. It really doesn’t help.

I used to love the time around Christmas so much. But I just noticed, that during the last few years, I’ve always had one of my worst times of the year in december. Beautiful and terrible time.

Perceptions are deceptive

26 Aug

People will tell you a lot about yourself. Sometimes things you never knew. Things you didn’t want to know. And every now and then, you’re surprised by how much they think they know about you. A knowledge that nobody can keep to himself, because, of course, one has to tell you who you are! How should you know!

Going back to my homecountry, many people felt the need to tell me something about myself. People I haven’t seen or talked to for more than one year. It’s nice to get a little help adjusting once again. 😉 Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to get some feedback, and sometimes old friends that you haven’t met for a long time are the best ones to notice a change. However, during the last few days, I’ve just been amused by all the things people told me about myself.

First, there were comments about my look: “You’ve gained weight.” “You finally have some muscles” “You’re not all skin and bones anymore” “You look more female, it’s really nice.” “You’re still skinny, but in a healthy way… yes, you look more healthy now.” “You are the very picture of health… ” “Very becoming to you!” “Where did you get that tan?”

At the same time, people told me I’ve been losing weight. And the same person said that I look stronger and finally have some muscles changed his mind just three days later. “Hm, you’re muscles are already dwindling, aren’t they…” “You’re so pale…”

I learned that one person found me really arrogant and the very same day, someone else said “Why aren’t there more people with your character?” I’m difficult and easy going at the same time.

I find it very interesting what other people think about me. I listen, I nod. Then comes the most important part: Let it go. Don’t forget about that one. Because people will tell you all kind of things. Often, it will be contradicting. That’s what the last days and weeks taught me. I still find people’s opinions about myself interesting. I just don’t take them too serious anymore. I listen to them, I laugh, I keep on walking. I find their opinions interesting in the same way I find stereotypes interesting. They are quite entertaining! (I love stereotypes… sometimes, they are even true. Often they are not) Ok, by  the time when more than 10 people in a row tell me, I’m arrogant… I think it might be time for some serious self-reflection. But right now… let’s celebrate diversity of opinion!