Tag Archives: anxiety

Mono Inc. – Symphony of Pain

21 Aug

This song is  not exactly about eating disorders, but still, I associate it with that time.

Isn’t it true that you give to your ED whatever it wants? Drowning in her sea of sweet demand? Whatever you may need, I’ll give to you?
Dancing down on danger lane… that’s the way it always felt. It’s a dangerous dance. Whistling the symphony of pain? Yeah, I did. So many times…

And isn’t it a dark romance? My ED and I? Me and Mia? Me and Ana? Close this dark romance…

I know I’ve been lying in bed listening to this song over and over again… every line describes the way I felt. This song is not meant to be about eating disorders. For me it’s all about ED though.

Rising high and falling deep
reduce me to despair
drowning in your sea of sweet demand
feed me when I beg for more
bale is in the air
blink at me and I’m at your command

Whatever you may say
whatever you may do
whatever you may need
I’ll give it to you

There’s blood red rain
coming down on your bed tonight
blood red rain’s on your face
close this dark romance
as we dance down on danger lane
whistling the symphony of pain

Shadows on the bedroom wall
divert me from the truth
no way back
tar and feather me
discard the alarm device
sprinkle me with youth
close my eyes there’s no more need to see

Whatever you desire
whatever you may claim
whatever you may take
I’ll take the same

There’s blood red rain
coming down on your bed tonight
blood red rain’s on your face
close this dark romance
as we dance down on danger lane
whistling the symphony of pain

Songs about Ana & Mia

23 Jul

I decided to make a  new category – songs about eating disorders. About anorexia and bulimia. About addiction in general. Everything that fits the big picture.

Music has always been important to me – especially the lyrics! I always asked everyone to listen to the lyrics… and usually, nobody will actually listen to them…

That’s fine with me. Most lyrics or not worth listening to anyway… but there are those special ones I really love.
I will share those songs with you.

Songs about ana and mia.

I will choose songs that move me personally. I hope you will love as much as I do! I’ll give you the lyrics and maybe a youtube video… listen, read and enjoy. Mind the lyrics…

I might also choose some German songs (I grew up bilingual…) and translate them for you. I hope you will like them as much as I do.

Here a list of the songs (will be updated each time I post a new one)

  1. Ted Leo – Me and Mia 
  2. Mono Inc. – Symphony of Pain
Aside

Same old friend, same old story…

10 Jul

Is it possible to get well again, for good? No relapses, no sick thoughts? Just being healthy? I don’t have the answers. Sometimes, I think, yes, of course and I’ll be healthy, sometimes I think, no, it’s just not possible. However, I just heard from a friend of mine and what she told me makes me sad…

I have know her for eight years now… we got to know each other at a treatment center for eating disorders. We were both very, very young. It seems like we knew NOTHING at all about everything that was going on. However, we shared a room. So she was the first person I really got to know at that place. It’s kind of awkward  to remember that time now, it all seems so unreal! At that point, we didn’t know that we still had such a long way to go!

For a time, we lost the contact… but we’ve been back in touch for about two years I think. I know what happened to her after she was at the treatment center and it wasn’t all happy go lucky… But slowly, over the years, she gained back control. Control over her life! She struggled with depression once, but the eating seemed to be no issue anymore.

Well, what she told me now: She struggles once again. There are these thought she should not have anymore. Sure, her life isn’t easy right now. There’s insecurity, there is anorexia… at least in her thoughts, she’s there! So my friend is looking for a place in therapy once again.

It always makes me sad to hear things like this. I mean, I am glad she tells me! And I am struggling myself, so actually I should not consider this to be a big deal. It is, though. To be honest, I don’t always tell her everything about my struggles with life. Food included. Probably she doesn’t know as much about my problems as I do about hers. But still. She was fine, she was happy. And things can change so fast. If I think about it… someone who once had an eating disorder can’t be simply okay again. At some time of your life, at least that little voice will come back. You might not listen to it anymore. It gets less noisy and it will stop. But you can never be rid of it for good.

Image

Long way to go…

The dark side of love

10 Jun

I have a friend in New York. It’s a guy, I got to know him by chance, hanging around union square. He called himself a hipster. I was new in the city. Actually, I haven’t even been in the US for such a long time. So I was just walking around and enjoying this vibe, this very special energy in NY (oh my gosh, I really do miss that!).

My feet were tired, I sat down at Union Square, right across from Whole Foods (gees… I do miss that, too!)
He started talking to me, in the end we talked the whole night and it was the beginning of a good friendship.

Once we talked about love. He said that being in love with someone is like being addicted to that person.
I almost got angry and worked up on that! Being addicted was something so terrible for me. (He knew about my story) Being addicted means being addicted to hunger, being addicted to eating and purging, being addicted to cutting. And that was terrible! Yes, there was a time when I really needed those things. But at the same time I hated all that! Maybe not at the very beginning, but once you notice the severe and negativ impact (I guess I don’t have to talk about that right know) it has on you, you will begin to hate it. So I told him that what he said is not true and to stop saying that.

But I started to think about it. Maybe I also loved… let’s say… being hungry? Even cutting? It is hard to admit, but it might be true, after all. But I didn’t love it the way I love my boyfriend. I loved and hated it at the same time! The more I loved, the more I needed it, the more I hated it! It was crazy. It was a love-hate relationship. (Actually, some really bad relationships also might work that way, but that’s not the point I want to make.)

But what to make of that insight? Today I think… one little steep out of that vicious circle is to reduce your love and your hate for those harmful things at the same time. Little by little. Cause the pendulum swings back and forth. If you reduce the hate, you won’t hate yourself that much each time you relapse. You reduce the love, and you won’t feel the urge that often anymore…

It’s a process.

And it takes time.

And love. But not for the harmful things you used to do.

 

Love yourself instead.

Hope dies last.

3 Oct

Hope does last.

It is not that bad. No, actually, I can’t complain. It’s been worse. The pain has been stronger. It could be worse right now. It could hurt much more, as it did in the past. it has been darker, lonelier.

I did hit rock button, but that’s over.

Now I am only falling down. Imagining, it could be worse. Be worse. Worse. Than I stand up again. This sentence is strengthening.

I tell myself: It is worth it. Soon the sentence turns into a question but I don’t want to listen anymore.

There’s my conclusion so far. Fate doesn’t spare anyone, there are always bumps in the road.

Hope dies last. Faith dies first.

Life goes on. It might be worth it. Im not sure though. Hope dies last.

Time

22 May

How much time did I already squander for my eating disorder? How many time did you spend engaging in those behaviors, planing meals, purging, dieting?

Have you ever thought about that? Yesterday, a friend and I had a discussion about wasting time… My friend said, that he was mad at himself for all the time he wasted playing computer games. So unproductive. I told him, at least you enjoyed yourself. At least you had fun. So you didn’t really waste your time!

I told him, how I had wasted my time. How much time a eating disorder takes up. More than any computer game. And you never reach the last level and win. There is no happy end. You never kill the enemy. You can only kill yourself. That’s the end, that’s what comes at the end of the way, if you want to it to the end.

I didn’t enjoy myself when purging, when starving myself. I made myself suffer. And if I imagine I had read a good book each time instead of engaging in my eating disorder… I would have read through entire libraries.

Or if I had done something for college or school … I would have had the best grades ever.

Fact is, I did not do all these things.

But you can’t change the past. You can only ruin the present my worrying about it…

Time is what we always want most, but we use it very badly. What is time? What is a day?
Ask the dictionary…

Day, n.  A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent
Ambrose Bierce

Wiliam Ernest Henley – Invictus

22 May

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.