Tag Archives: chance

So little time

7 Mar

 

Do you know the feeling of just having no time for your eating disorder right now? It takes up so much time…

 

So it is like you have an inner agreement. You gonna do your best right now, eat enough to function properly, stop doing all the mess you usually do… but once this time is over, you can go back. Sometimes this works for me. Right now it works. There are many exams. So much to do, to learn. I have to be able to concentrate. So I do my best and act like not having and ED.

 

Sometimes, some situation, it just doesn’t work. Sometimes, the more work to do, the worse it gets! Self sabotaging yourself…

 

Sometimes it’s the first, sometimes it’s the second. And who knows what’s gonna be afterwards…


Nevermore

3 Apr

Quoth the ED… Nevermore.

 

It’s a deception, a beautiful lie. Beautiful, but still, it’s a lie. A weighty one. Nevermore: Relapse. Nevermore: Self injury. Nevermore: Purging.

The recipe for failure. It shouldn’t be that difficult. It is this difficult. It is war. Resign, give up all hope, and you will go down. Running doesn’t help, you’re never fast enough. Never. Nevermore.

Could you win this war? If you dare to fight. If you fight on the right side. And if you stand up again and  again. Hitting rock button without breaking. It’s possible. You have to find out for yourself. For your Self.

Nevermore. Don’t trust the nevermore.

It’s possible.

Change, choice, principles

12 Nov

This feeling that I know just too well. The empty, dumb, hot head. Little pain in my stomach. The eyes still warm from crying. Despair and apathy at the same time. No reproaches, not anymore, it’s been too long for that.

There’s a voice in my head, telling me “Look, here you are again! Same spot! Same place! We will always meet again. You can’t just say good bye! You can’t!” And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that little voice might be right. For now, not knowing what will be is the best thing I can get. Uncertainty means there’s still a chance.

They say there are three constants in life. Change, choice and principles. I feel like the eating disorder has become another constant. The ED does definitelly not mean chance, it’s stagnation. It’s no choice, not anymore. It hasn’t been a choice for a long time, if it ever was one. Maybe it turned into one of the principles of my life? Lately, a friend told me “You’re living by principles! Life could be much better if you didn’t have so many principles…” I denied, of course, I’m not living by principles! I’m such a flexible and spontaneous person! But this makes me think.

ED as one of my old principles? That means, I need another constant in life. Change.

Hope Vol. 2

6 Nov

Sometimes, the existence of hope is like the existence of God. You can’t see it. Often you can’t even feel it. It’s there. As long as you believe in it.

The religion of hope?

Hope – maybe one day things will be okay. –> Procrastinating. One day, nothing will be ok. One day, it will be too late. The only time you have is this moment.

Hope – but there’s nothing to do? –> If we can’t change the situation, maybe we have to change. It’s all about change…

Hope – but it’s been so long! –> That’s why it’s time to take some action NOW!

Hope – get up. Get rid of your self-pity. It’s one of the most consuming things ever. You could try a smile. You’re not the only one with a bunch of severe problems. But if you stay here, in this one room with your doors all locked – you lock out hope and every possibility for change.

Counting the days

29 Oct

There are unwritten laws of conversation. The first question when you meet someone usually is “How are you doing? What’s up? How have you been?” or one the many corresponding sentences. That’s what I ask all my friends.

However, there are  friends who are also fellow sufferers. Some are bulimic, some anorexic, some of them have another addiction. Our conversations start the same way, followed by some talk about random things. But at one point, there’s a little gap, silence for just a split second. Then, the conversation takes a turn. “And apart from that, how have you been?” The same question again? No. We know exactly what we mean. “How long has it been? How long have you been sober?” That’s another question we simply have to ask. I never expect an honest answer to that one. It comes with the addiction, everyone is used to lie about the details, without the spirit of mischief, it’s by the force of habit. Not all the answers the that question are lies though. “48 days! I’ve been sober for 48 days now!”, friend of mine told me proudly.

She knew the exact number of days, and it wouldn’t have surprised me, if she came up with some precise time.

Counting every day is quite an effort. I always feel sorry if someone tells me the exact number of days that she or he has been sober. As long as you’re able to do that, the addiction still accompanies you. Every hour you count, it’s with you. Just behind the corner. Counting the days turns into counting down the days. Counting down to the next relapse.

Perceptions are deceptive

26 Aug

People will tell you a lot about yourself. Sometimes things you never knew. Things you didn’t want to know. And every now and then, you’re surprised by how much they think they know about you. A knowledge that nobody can keep to himself, because, of course, one has to tell you who you are! How should you know!

Going back to my homecountry, many people felt the need to tell me something about myself. People I haven’t seen or talked to for more than one year. It’s nice to get a little help adjusting once again. 😉 Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to get some feedback, and sometimes old friends that you haven’t met for a long time are the best ones to notice a change. However, during the last few days, I’ve just been amused by all the things people told me about myself.

First, there were comments about my look: “You’ve gained weight.” “You finally have some muscles” “You’re not all skin and bones anymore” “You look more female, it’s really nice.” “You’re still skinny, but in a healthy way… yes, you look more healthy now.” “You are the very picture of health… ” “Very becoming to you!” “Where did you get that tan?”

At the same time, people told me I’ve been losing weight. And the same person said that I look stronger and finally have some muscles changed his mind just three days later. “Hm, you’re muscles are already dwindling, aren’t they…” “You’re so pale…”

I learned that one person found me really arrogant and the very same day, someone else said “Why aren’t there more people with your character?” I’m difficult and easy going at the same time.

I find it very interesting what other people think about me. I listen, I nod. Then comes the most important part: Let it go. Don’t forget about that one. Because people will tell you all kind of things. Often, it will be contradicting. That’s what the last days and weeks taught me. I still find people’s opinions about myself interesting. I just don’t take them too serious anymore. I listen to them, I laugh, I keep on walking. I find their opinions interesting in the same way I find stereotypes interesting. They are quite entertaining! (I love stereotypes… sometimes, they are even true. Often they are not) Ok, by  the time when more than 10 people in a row tell me, I’m arrogant… I think it might be time for some serious self-reflection. But right now… let’s celebrate diversity of opinion!

What’s it all about? – The big “why” when talking about Eating Disorders

16 Jun

It’s the media. Weight Watchers. Wrong friends. Deceiving TV shows. A sick mind. A bad childhood.

Don’t say the “W-word” anymore. Spare me this one question. I’ve heard it so many times, painful conversations that ended in tears. Above are just some of the answers you frequently hear. Either giving by so called “experts” or even sufferers themselves. The totally comprehensible reason for their Eating Disorder, freeing us of any responsibility. It’s not my fault, they started sending these TV shows without asking me.

I knew about these reasons, about the things everyone says and everyone knows about Eating Disorders. But early on I also knew, that this was a big lie. It wasn’t true for me. There were problems in my family, yes. But other kids also had trouble without being anorexic. I’ve seen the skinny models but that was not the real cause. I asked myself “Why? Why do you do this to yourself? What’s all this about?” I didn’t know the answer. Just another failure. It only made me more desperate.

It wasn’t long until my parents started to torture me with the “W-question”. – “But there must be a reason for this! Tell us! Why do you do this to yourself, why do you do this to us? Is it our fault? You can’t do this just for fun!” Desperation on their side, too. Honestly, I would have loved to give them an answer. But I didn’t know. I really didn’t know and they didn’t believe me. Soon they started adding possible reasons to their question. “But Why? It must be because your friends talked you into it.” They did not. But I learned that it was much easier to agree with them in order to give them some peace.

Once my parents were done, therapists and psychologists would ask the same question. With the same resulsts.

However. I really didn’t know the answer. All I knew, all that was real for me was that big emptiness, the pain inside of me. Pain that did not make sense but that was there anyway. Pain that didn’t ask for a reason.

I was smashed, hit the bottom, torn to pieces. But I learned that I have the strength to put the pieces together once again. It took me a long time to figure out what all this is about. That the standard answers are not right for me. That there is my behind my eating disorder and if I want to recover, I have to look at those sites. I have to go into the darkness.

Here are some points that I found to be very true for me:

Wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Never being in the present moment. Never feeling comfortable in the present moment. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Not accepting the inevitable. Refusing to love because of being afraid to lose. Wanting life to be different from what it is. It’s dying before you die. I was unaware of the love that holds everything together from the inside. That gives purpose.

One of the most beautiful things life is teaching me these days is: In order to be love, you have to go out and give love first. That’s the secret. That’s what it’s all about.