Tag Archives: hunger

Ted Leo – Me and Mia

23 Jul

Classic. And one of the best songs about both anorexia and bulimia.
“Fighting food to find transcendence”
That is an amazing line… and so true. Sad, but true.

As I was walking through a life one morning
The sun was out, the air was warm
But oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked a half a person
To tell the tale in my own version
It was only then that I felt whole

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal:
To get a little self-control
I know how hard you try
I see it in your eyes
Call your friends, because we’ve forgotten
What it’s like to eat what’s rotten
And what’s eating you alive
Might help you to survive

We went on, as we were on a mission
Latest in a Grand Tradition
Oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner
Me and Mia, Ann and Ana, oh
We’d been unkind

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then, get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal:
To get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes
I see it in your spine
But call your friends, because we’ve forgotten
What it’s like to eat what’s rotten
And what’s eating you alive
Might help you to survive

Even the nights that could get better
And even the days aren’t all that bad
And after a week of fighting
As more and more it seems the right thing

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal:
To gain a little self-control
Won’t anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad
But me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try
Don’t you see it in my eyes?

Sick to death of my dependence
Fighting food to find trancendence
Fighting to survive
More dead, but more alive
Cigarettes and speed to live
And sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive
And all that you’re deprived

All the bourgeois social angels
Telling you you’ve got to change
Don’t have any idea
They’ll never see so clear
But don’t forget what it really means to hunger strike
When you don’t really need to
Some are dying for the cause, but that don’t make it yours
And even the nights, they could get better

 

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The dark side of love

10 Jun

I have a friend in New York. It’s a guy, I got to know him by chance, hanging around union square. He called himself a hipster. I was new in the city. Actually, I haven’t even been in the US for such a long time. So I was just walking around and enjoying this vibe, this very special energy in NY (oh my gosh, I really do miss that!).

My feet were tired, I sat down at Union Square, right across from Whole Foods (gees… I do miss that, too!)
He started talking to me, in the end we talked the whole night and it was the beginning of a good friendship.

Once we talked about love. He said that being in love with someone is like being addicted to that person.
I almost got angry and worked up on that! Being addicted was something so terrible for me. (He knew about my story) Being addicted means being addicted to hunger, being addicted to eating and purging, being addicted to cutting. And that was terrible! Yes, there was a time when I really needed those things. But at the same time I hated all that! Maybe not at the very beginning, but once you notice the severe and negativ impact (I guess I don’t have to talk about that right know) it has on you, you will begin to hate it. So I told him that what he said is not true and to stop saying that.

But I started to think about it. Maybe I also loved… let’s say… being hungry? Even cutting? It is hard to admit, but it might be true, after all. But I didn’t love it the way I love my boyfriend. I loved and hated it at the same time! The more I loved, the more I needed it, the more I hated it! It was crazy. It was a love-hate relationship. (Actually, some really bad relationships also might work that way, but that’s not the point I want to make.)

But what to make of that insight? Today I think… one little steep out of that vicious circle is to reduce your love and your hate for those harmful things at the same time. Little by little. Cause the pendulum swings back and forth. If you reduce the hate, you won’t hate yourself that much each time you relapse. You reduce the love, and you won’t feel the urge that often anymore…

It’s a process.

And it takes time.

And love. But not for the harmful things you used to do.

 

Love yourself instead.

Hope dies last.

3 Oct

Hope does last.

It is not that bad. No, actually, I can’t complain. It’s been worse. The pain has been stronger. It could be worse right now. It could hurt much more, as it did in the past. it has been darker, lonelier.

I did hit rock button, but that’s over.

Now I am only falling down. Imagining, it could be worse. Be worse. Worse. Than I stand up again. This sentence is strengthening.

I tell myself: It is worth it. Soon the sentence turns into a question but I don’t want to listen anymore.

There’s my conclusion so far. Fate doesn’t spare anyone, there are always bumps in the road.

Hope dies last. Faith dies first.

Life goes on. It might be worth it. Im not sure though. Hope dies last.

What’s it all about? – The big “why” when talking about Eating Disorders

16 Jun

It’s the media. Weight Watchers. Wrong friends. Deceiving TV shows. A sick mind. A bad childhood.

Don’t say the “W-word” anymore. Spare me this one question. I’ve heard it so many times, painful conversations that ended in tears. Above are just some of the answers you frequently hear. Either giving by so called “experts” or even sufferers themselves. The totally comprehensible reason for their Eating Disorder, freeing us of any responsibility. It’s not my fault, they started sending these TV shows without asking me.

I knew about these reasons, about the things everyone says and everyone knows about Eating Disorders. But early on I also knew, that this was a big lie. It wasn’t true for me. There were problems in my family, yes. But other kids also had trouble without being anorexic. I’ve seen the skinny models but that was not the real cause. I asked myself “Why? Why do you do this to yourself? What’s all this about?” I didn’t know the answer. Just another failure. It only made me more desperate.

It wasn’t long until my parents started to torture me with the “W-question”. – “But there must be a reason for this! Tell us! Why do you do this to yourself, why do you do this to us? Is it our fault? You can’t do this just for fun!” Desperation on their side, too. Honestly, I would have loved to give them an answer. But I didn’t know. I really didn’t know and they didn’t believe me. Soon they started adding possible reasons to their question. “But Why? It must be because your friends talked you into it.” They did not. But I learned that it was much easier to agree with them in order to give them some peace.

Once my parents were done, therapists and psychologists would ask the same question. With the same resulsts.

However. I really didn’t know the answer. All I knew, all that was real for me was that big emptiness, the pain inside of me. Pain that did not make sense but that was there anyway. Pain that didn’t ask for a reason.

I was smashed, hit the bottom, torn to pieces. But I learned that I have the strength to put the pieces together once again. It took me a long time to figure out what all this is about. That the standard answers are not right for me. That there is my behind my eating disorder and if I want to recover, I have to look at those sites. I have to go into the darkness.

Here are some points that I found to be very true for me:

Wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Never being in the present moment. Never feeling comfortable in the present moment. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Not accepting the inevitable. Refusing to love because of being afraid to lose. Wanting life to be different from what it is. It’s dying before you die. I was unaware of the love that holds everything together from the inside. That gives purpose.

One of the most beautiful things life is teaching me these days is: In order to be love, you have to go out and give love first. That’s the secret. That’s what it’s all about.

Reality

1 Jun

To mislead others is never the best choice. To mislead yourself is really bad. By fooling yourself you actually make a fool out of yourself, but you won’t notice until much later.

First, you trick yourself into thinking: Once I am skinny, once I’ve reached this weight, I will be happy, lucky, popular, life will be good. Everything will be easier. Once I am skinny. What a comforting thought. Eventually, I will be skinny, but you find out that you’re not happy. It’s okay… you had to learn it the hard way. Let’s just assume, you got this message. It wasn’t easy, but you came to understand that being skinny doesn’t mean eternal happiness.

Now your on recovery. Trying not to purge, starve, binge and whatever you did before. It’s not easy and you’re not quite there yet. Still struggling. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder. BUT: Once you’re recovered, life will be easy, great, fun, you will be happy, successful, popular…

STOP. Doesn’t this sound familiar? It’s the same unrealistic thinking… just the other way round. Even without your addiction, life won’t be easy. You might find yourself crying and on the floor again, you will be sad, there will be problems, you will be stressed, exhausted, tired. It won’t be easy, it will never be easy. But it might be easier. Give it a shoot. If you don’t try, you will never find out.

Bless you!

28 Apr

Don’t laugh. This might actually sound like a pretty silly thing to do. But it works. Okay, so maybe you want to laugh at it, that’s fine, actually, that’s good! And then, do it in spite of yourself!

It’s one of those dark moments in life (even though it’s a wonderful spring day, the sun is out and it’s really nice. But none of that come through to me…). The black clouds in my mind are too real, my head hurts, I feel weak and exhausted and I’m just tired of all of this. Maybe one of those rays of light actually reach me, I don’t know what made me think of this. But I have a friend who sits down every now and then and counts his blessing. It’s kind of a weird thing to me. I am not a lucky person, not blessed – so why taking the effort at all? Pity Party!!!

Maybe exhaustion kept me from thinking straight or I just didn’t care anymore. I gave it a shot! I told myself  “Alright, you stop feeling so sorry for yourself now, girl! Kick yourself in the butt, get up from your knees when there’s no need to crawl around and count your stupid blessings!!!” At this particular moment, as I was walking around, I had to laugh out loud. In the middle of a public park, crowded with soccer moms and their kids. How silly! I was trying to count my blessing, to show gratitude, look at the things I was thankful for in my life, things and people that were good for me. At the same time, what did I do? I addressed myself in a cruel and disrespectful manner, reflecting all my self-hatred and negative out view on life! Oh my gosh, I just can’t let it be! But at this particular moment, I broke the cycle because I noticed what I was doing. And I laughed at it, then I let it go. This laugh was like giving myself a big hugh. Telling me that it’s ok. That I really did not care about the people staring at me because of my random fit of laughter. And that I could go ahead and count my blessings now.

(I got up to 19. One for each year of my life. Not bad for a beginner. And here’s one more: I am grateful for having this blog, having people out there, who read it and being able to share. And I am grateful that I had my little notebook with me this afternoon so I could write everything down.)

(Not another) Beautiful lie

19 Apr

Time runs you over, it is reckless, indifferent about you.

Friday night. A shadow of her former self, laying on the cold floor. Dark hands cover a face that has not smiled for a long time. A silent scream penetrates the house. It is an old story, told over and over again. The night engulfs her, moonlight doesn’t make things easier anymore. She knows that the sun will rise again. But what for? Mockery and shame? To cast light on the broken fragments that she leaves behind?

This is not part of a nightmare. It is reality. It is the reality of addiction, of depression, of anxiety and every eating disorder. THIS is the life we chose to live.

We look for help, for a hand, a branch, something we can grasp before drowning. And we are starving to hear this one, short sentence: “It will be ok. Everything will be ok.” Waiting for someone to say these redemptive words. It’s a beautiful lie…

I know that people who land on this blog are looking for advice, help, comfort. All they want to read is a post promising that it’s gonna be ok. There is a lot of them. It’s nice to read and comforting to believe them for a few hours. I never found those posts very convincing though.

The problem is: I can’t promise you this. Because I don’t know. How should I be able to tell? Maybe things will never be ok! What does “ok” mean, anyway? Sometimes you have to embrace insecurity and uncertainty first to move forward. Nobody can make you this promise. Unless you give it a chance, you will never know. Keep in mind:

One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.