Tag Archives: living

The dark side of love

10 Jun

I have a friend in New York. It’s a guy, I got to know him by chance, hanging around union square. He called himself a hipster. I was new in the city. Actually, I haven’t even been in the US for such a long time. So I was just walking around and enjoying this vibe, this very special energy in NY (oh my gosh, I really do miss that!).

My feet were tired, I sat down at Union Square, right across from Whole Foods (gees… I do miss that, too!)
He started talking to me, in the end we talked the whole night and it was the beginning of a good friendship.

Once we talked about love. He said that being in love with someone is like being addicted to that person.
I almost got angry and worked up on that! Being addicted was something so terrible for me. (He knew about my story) Being addicted means being addicted to hunger, being addicted to eating and purging, being addicted to cutting. And that was terrible! Yes, there was a time when I really needed those things. But at the same time I hated all that! Maybe not at the very beginning, but once you notice the severe and negativ impact (I guess I don’t have to talk about that right know) it has on you, you will begin to hate it. So I told him that what he said is not true and to stop saying that.

But I started to think about it. Maybe I also loved… let’s say… being hungry? Even cutting? It is hard to admit, but it might be true, after all. But I didn’t love it the way I love my boyfriend. I loved and hated it at the same time! The more I loved, the more I needed it, the more I hated it! It was crazy. It was a love-hate relationship. (Actually, some really bad relationships also might work that way, but that’s not the point I want to make.)

But what to make of that insight? Today I think… one little steep out of that vicious circle is to reduce your love and your hate for those harmful things at the same time. Little by little. Cause the pendulum swings back and forth. If you reduce the hate, you won’t hate yourself that much each time you relapse. You reduce the love, and you won’t feel the urge that often anymore…

It’s a process.

And it takes time.

And love. But not for the harmful things you used to do.

 

Love yourself instead.

So little time

7 Mar

 

Do you know the feeling of just having no time for your eating disorder right now? It takes up so much time…

 

So it is like you have an inner agreement. You gonna do your best right now, eat enough to function properly, stop doing all the mess you usually do… but once this time is over, you can go back. Sometimes this works for me. Right now it works. There are many exams. So much to do, to learn. I have to be able to concentrate. So I do my best and act like not having and ED.

 

Sometimes, some situation, it just doesn’t work. Sometimes, the more work to do, the worse it gets! Self sabotaging yourself…

 

Sometimes it’s the first, sometimes it’s the second. And who knows what’s gonna be afterwards…


Nevermore

3 Apr

Quoth the ED… Nevermore.

 

It’s a deception, a beautiful lie. Beautiful, but still, it’s a lie. A weighty one. Nevermore: Relapse. Nevermore: Self injury. Nevermore: Purging.

The recipe for failure. It shouldn’t be that difficult. It is this difficult. It is war. Resign, give up all hope, and you will go down. Running doesn’t help, you’re never fast enough. Never. Nevermore.

Could you win this war? If you dare to fight. If you fight on the right side. And if you stand up again and  again. Hitting rock button without breaking. It’s possible. You have to find out for yourself. For your Self.

Nevermore. Don’t trust the nevermore.

It’s possible.

Passion

1 Dec

Big things make you lonely.  

And I’m not even talking about the body. I’ve never been really big, though I’ve been afraid to become big all my life. No. There are other aspects in life.

Big pain that no one else understands.

Sadness.

Craziness.

Anything which is out of order. Any passion. Any untamed passion.

So you’re standing there and feeling lonely. Feeling like you’re the only one. And it may be true or not. It doesn’t matter. Some people say we don’t truly start to live until we have our backs against the wall. Passions can be like elevators between heaven and hell. How often have I asked for a way out… I think there is no way. No path I can go. I have to find my own way. A new paths. And I might leave a new trail.

Maybe.

Change, choice, principles

12 Nov

This feeling that I know just too well. The empty, dumb, hot head. Little pain in my stomach. The eyes still warm from crying. Despair and apathy at the same time. No reproaches, not anymore, it’s been too long for that.

There’s a voice in my head, telling me “Look, here you are again! Same spot! Same place! We will always meet again. You can’t just say good bye! You can’t!” And I’m afraid. I’m afraid that little voice might be right. For now, not knowing what will be is the best thing I can get. Uncertainty means there’s still a chance.

They say there are three constants in life. Change, choice and principles. I feel like the eating disorder has become another constant. The ED does definitelly not mean chance, it’s stagnation. It’s no choice, not anymore. It hasn’t been a choice for a long time, if it ever was one. Maybe it turned into one of the principles of my life? Lately, a friend told me “You’re living by principles! Life could be much better if you didn’t have so many principles…” I denied, of course, I’m not living by principles! I’m such a flexible and spontaneous person! But this makes me think.

ED as one of my old principles? That means, I need another constant in life. Change.

Hope Vol. 2

6 Nov

Sometimes, the existence of hope is like the existence of God. You can’t see it. Often you can’t even feel it. It’s there. As long as you believe in it.

The religion of hope?

Hope – maybe one day things will be okay. –> Procrastinating. One day, nothing will be ok. One day, it will be too late. The only time you have is this moment.

Hope – but there’s nothing to do? –> If we can’t change the situation, maybe we have to change. It’s all about change…

Hope – but it’s been so long! –> That’s why it’s time to take some action NOW!

Hope – get up. Get rid of your self-pity. It’s one of the most consuming things ever. You could try a smile. You’re not the only one with a bunch of severe problems. But if you stay here, in this one room with your doors all locked – you lock out hope and every possibility for change.

Hope

6 Nov

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

~Vaclav Havel~