Tag Archives: purging

Nevermore

3 Apr

Quoth the ED… Nevermore.

 

It’s a deception, a beautiful lie. Beautiful, but still, it’s a lie. A weighty one. Nevermore: Relapse. Nevermore: Self injury. Nevermore: Purging.

The recipe for failure. It shouldn’t be that difficult. It is this difficult. It is war. Resign, give up all hope, and you will go down. Running doesn’t help, you’re never fast enough. Never. Nevermore.

Could you win this war? If you dare to fight. If you fight on the right side. And if you stand up again and  again. Hitting rock button without breaking. It’s possible. You have to find out for yourself. For your Self.

Nevermore. Don’t trust the nevermore.

It’s possible.

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What’s it all about? – The big “why” when talking about Eating Disorders

16 Jun

It’s the media. Weight Watchers. Wrong friends. Deceiving TV shows. A sick mind. A bad childhood.

Don’t say the “W-word” anymore. Spare me this one question. I’ve heard it so many times, painful conversations that ended in tears. Above are just some of the answers you frequently hear. Either giving by so called “experts” or even sufferers themselves. The totally comprehensible reason for their Eating Disorder, freeing us of any responsibility. It’s not my fault, they started sending these TV shows without asking me.

I knew about these reasons, about the things everyone says and everyone knows about Eating Disorders. But early on I also knew, that this was a big lie. It wasn’t true for me. There were problems in my family, yes. But other kids also had trouble without being anorexic. I’ve seen the skinny models but that was not the real cause. I asked myself “Why? Why do you do this to yourself? What’s all this about?” I didn’t know the answer. Just another failure. It only made me more desperate.

It wasn’t long until my parents started to torture me with the “W-question”. – “But there must be a reason for this! Tell us! Why do you do this to yourself, why do you do this to us? Is it our fault? You can’t do this just for fun!” Desperation on their side, too. Honestly, I would have loved to give them an answer. But I didn’t know. I really didn’t know and they didn’t believe me. Soon they started adding possible reasons to their question. “But Why? It must be because your friends talked you into it.” They did not. But I learned that it was much easier to agree with them in order to give them some peace.

Once my parents were done, therapists and psychologists would ask the same question. With the same resulsts.

However. I really didn’t know the answer. All I knew, all that was real for me was that big emptiness, the pain inside of me. Pain that did not make sense but that was there anyway. Pain that didn’t ask for a reason.

I was smashed, hit the bottom, torn to pieces. But I learned that I have the strength to put the pieces together once again. It took me a long time to figure out what all this is about. That the standard answers are not right for me. That there is my behind my eating disorder and if I want to recover, I have to look at those sites. I have to go into the darkness.

Here are some points that I found to be very true for me:

Wanting to be somewhere different from where you are. Never being in the present moment. Never feeling comfortable in the present moment. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Not accepting the inevitable. Refusing to love because of being afraid to lose. Wanting life to be different from what it is. It’s dying before you die. I was unaware of the love that holds everything together from the inside. That gives purpose.

One of the most beautiful things life is teaching me these days is: In order to be love, you have to go out and give love first. That’s the secret. That’s what it’s all about.

Reality

1 Jun

To mislead others is never the best choice. To mislead yourself is really bad. By fooling yourself you actually make a fool out of yourself, but you won’t notice until much later.

First, you trick yourself into thinking: Once I am skinny, once I’ve reached this weight, I will be happy, lucky, popular, life will be good. Everything will be easier. Once I am skinny. What a comforting thought. Eventually, I will be skinny, but you find out that you’re not happy. It’s okay… you had to learn it the hard way. Let’s just assume, you got this message. It wasn’t easy, but you came to understand that being skinny doesn’t mean eternal happiness.

Now your on recovery. Trying not to purge, starve, binge and whatever you did before. It’s not easy and you’re not quite there yet. Still struggling. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder. BUT: Once you’re recovered, life will be easy, great, fun, you will be happy, successful, popular…

STOP. Doesn’t this sound familiar? It’s the same unrealistic thinking… just the other way round. Even without your addiction, life won’t be easy. You might find yourself crying and on the floor again, you will be sad, there will be problems, you will be stressed, exhausted, tired. It won’t be easy, it will never be easy. But it might be easier. Give it a shoot. If you don’t try, you will never find out.

But you have to understand…!

7 May

Let me try to explain this. You need to understand. Or rather… I want you to understand! It’s not pure insanity and you have to listen to me now!

This whole mess is something weird. It’s chaos and seems to be pretty crazy. But sometimes, at some point, often right after treatment or therapy, or when looking back after a long time, things start to make sense, at least in some way. There is something you can grasp. A reason for all this, it might be tiny, but yes, there it is. You’ve got an answer to the big question “Why?” that has been pressing on your shoulders for so long.

And now… now I want you to understand. Suddenly, there is this urge to go out there and explain it to all those people who have just been shaking their heads when they looked at you. Now the world has to understand me!

Okay, let’s start with our friends… at least they have to understand. So you tell them everything you know. Explain all your craziness. And eventually, you hear those magic words: “Yeah, I understand.”

Wait. Stop. Did I just hear this? They u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d? Hm. You want to tell me you know what it’s like? Hm. NO! You don’t understand anything!

I doubt that anyone who has never experienced addiction can truly understand what it’s like and why you were doing it. And honestly, no one can blame them. How should they know? They have not gone through hell… or maybe they have, but it’s not the  same one. Again, nobody who has never experienced it himself can really understand what it means to be addicted. That’s just the way it is.

And… it’s okay. You don’t need anyone to understand. Often we don’t understand  the whole story ourselves. When I came out of treatment, I had some glorious ideas why I was doing all this and I wanteed everyone to understand. But truth be told… I didn’t know anything. I wanted people to understand what I didn’t get myself.             By now, I’ve noticed…. it’s ok. It’s okay for my friends not to understand me. It’s ok that they don’t know what it’s like. (Actually, it’s even a good thing. I really don’t want my friends to have to go through this). And I don’t want anyone to pretend  they understand when they don’t. So my friends don’t understand. It’s still crazy to them. But they can accept it. And those who are real friends can accept me with all this craziness and non-sense. Honestly, that’s worth more than all the understanding in the world!

only YOU

30 Apr

“You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It’s too bad that you want to be someone else
You don’t see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.”

Rumi

Bless you!

28 Apr

Don’t laugh. This might actually sound like a pretty silly thing to do. But it works. Okay, so maybe you want to laugh at it, that’s fine, actually, that’s good! And then, do it in spite of yourself!

It’s one of those dark moments in life (even though it’s a wonderful spring day, the sun is out and it’s really nice. But none of that come through to me…). The black clouds in my mind are too real, my head hurts, I feel weak and exhausted and I’m just tired of all of this. Maybe one of those rays of light actually reach me, I don’t know what made me think of this. But I have a friend who sits down every now and then and counts his blessing. It’s kind of a weird thing to me. I am not a lucky person, not blessed – so why taking the effort at all? Pity Party!!!

Maybe exhaustion kept me from thinking straight or I just didn’t care anymore. I gave it a shot! I told myself  “Alright, you stop feeling so sorry for yourself now, girl! Kick yourself in the butt, get up from your knees when there’s no need to crawl around and count your stupid blessings!!!” At this particular moment, as I was walking around, I had to laugh out loud. In the middle of a public park, crowded with soccer moms and their kids. How silly! I was trying to count my blessing, to show gratitude, look at the things I was thankful for in my life, things and people that were good for me. At the same time, what did I do? I addressed myself in a cruel and disrespectful manner, reflecting all my self-hatred and negative out view on life! Oh my gosh, I just can’t let it be! But at this particular moment, I broke the cycle because I noticed what I was doing. And I laughed at it, then I let it go. This laugh was like giving myself a big hugh. Telling me that it’s ok. That I really did not care about the people staring at me because of my random fit of laughter. And that I could go ahead and count my blessings now.

(I got up to 19. One for each year of my life. Not bad for a beginner. And here’s one more: I am grateful for having this blog, having people out there, who read it and being able to share. And I am grateful that I had my little notebook with me this afternoon so I could write everything down.)

Wanna relapse???

6 Apr

Don’t. Just don’t. Okay, you don’t wanna listen, you don’t wanna hear it, I know. It’s ok. Go ahead then. But before, take two minutes to read this.

  • you know what you’re feeling like afterwards. You are happy for… 10 minutes? It’s great… it’s a rush … but at what price? You gonna pay! Each time, you gonna be charged more and more. It’s just not worth it…
  • wait, I know this excuse. You’re hungry and you just can’t deal with it. My gosh, calm down! Sit here and take a few conscious breaths. I know you’ve got some brains in there, so plaese use them, for once!
  • It’s a vicious circle. Binge purging never helped anyone to lose weight. It messes up you metabolism, that’s all. It helps you with nothing. Putting a little food in your stomach and keeping it down would be the more reasonable decision. Even if you are on a diet. However, keep in mind starving triggers purging. It swings back and forth like a pendulum, unless you stop it in the middle.
  • all right, so you have to put something in your system? Then, choose water. Fill yourself up. Wait until it’s through. And then think again.
  • you’re already angry now… and you will be so much more angry when you actually do it. I hear you saying “Screw you! Fuck it”. Here’s what will happen: it will screw you!

Don’t, don’t don’t!!! YOU DON”T WANT THIS!

Go out of the house now, take your notebook, your pen, move, kick your butt.

There’s so many ways other than this.

I see you on your knees, I see you crying in front of the toilet. I see the fear in your eyes. May I spare you the other details? Cause you know them…

You might feel safe doing it now. But you remember the terrible pain in your kidneys! You remember the stomach ache. And you know it won’t go on like this forever. Actually,  it’s in your hands to determine where this ends. You’re standing at an intersection. There’s many stony roads. But DON’T take the one leading into a DEAD end!